And they lived happily ever after… Part 2
Because who makes a top 4 list?!?
Description: A dozen red roses in a clear vase on the kitchen island counter top. There’s kitchen peraphenial in the background.
Woops! Top 4 instead of Top 5.
In my last blog “And they lived happily ever after…," I initially wrote that I was going to share my “Top 5 Rules” and then I proceeded to share four and only 4. I proudly hit send and shared my blog and then the Sailor read it (because he subscribes). He happened to be at work and so I didn’t see him for a couple days. Then he gets home and I ask him what he thought in more detail about my top tips.
He says, “It was nice but you only shared four when you said you would share five.”
I immediately checked my work and he was right! So I quickly changed the list number to say Top 4.
But who writes a top 4 list? That’s kinda weird, top 3…sure, top 5…normal, top 10… harder to do and within the normal range. But top 4 is a little bit strange.
Then this weekend, another relationship rule came to light and I decided to embrace my apple flop (don’t know what I mean? read this blog) and so here’s rule #5 (I have also gone back and updated the list to say 5 on the first blog).
Rule #5 Prologue (you need the back up story for this one)
This past weekend was Valentine’s Day and we don’t always celebrate the holiday in a big way. The Sailor often does surprise me on Valentine’s Day with flowers when he’s away on the ship or one time with a rediculously big box of chocolates that featured Pablo on the cover.
Last year, we had a really fun albeit silly Valentine’s Day. The Sailor left it to the last minute to make a reservation for dinner at a fancy restaurant. He had said, I should dress up fancy for a date night. So I did, I wore one of my fun retro dresses, wore my hair nicely curly and even put make-up on. This is my version of fancy. The Sailor put on nice dress pants and a fun button up shirt and maybe even a bow tie or tie (his version of fancy). And off we went.
For a fancy dinner at a stew themed restaurant! 😂
They only served different types of stew. They had this amazing menu item where you could order a stew pot flight (like when you’re at a BrewPub and they give you 5 small beers showcasing their different beer varieties except this was Stew). So that’s what we ordered each. The stew flight.
The restaurant even had some Valentine’s day decorations up and it was really quite adorable.
We loved it! It was the best Valentine’s dinner because we loved how rediculous it was and fun. It went completely against the Velentine’s Day marketing of being over-the-top romantic.
So this year, I thought, I would surprise the Sailor by booking a silly themed restaurant for our Valentine’s Day dinner. In hopes it might be just as fun as the Stew Pot Restaurant.
I booked us a table at a Pancake Train restaurant which only serves giant Dutch style pancakes and somehow promised that for Valentine’s Day it would be serving a three course meal.
We were super excited!
The Pancake Train is about 30 minutes’ drive from our house and in a town that we’re not very familiar with. We got dressed fancy! Because that adds to the silliness. As we were entering the town, we both stated how excited we were and how we wondered what the three courses were going to include.
And then we approached the restaurant and the parking wasn’t very obvious.
And while we were figuring out parking near this restaurant that we both said we were excited to eat at, we got into a fight.
A big fight.
The kind of fight that requires rule #5 to take place.
But we had a reservation so we tried to push through and only ended up being more hurtful.
We never made it to our reservation. We got back in the car and drove away from the restaurant in silence.
Healthy Relationships still have fights.
Healthy relationships are not the ones where couples never fight. Healthy relationships are the ones when couples fight fairly.
The first big fight the Sailor and I had was completely different than arguments I had with ex boyfriends and it signified a positive change in the type of person I chose to be with. It also turned into a rule on how we navigate fights or intense feelings.
I don’t recall what that first fight was about. What I remember is we got pretty explosive, I was yelling and he was crying. And then I realized, I could keep going but I had crossed a line, here the person I love was crying. So I stopped. Then he went to the bedroom to cry some more and I went to the living room to write in my journal.
We were both taking a time out, we were calming ourselves down and regulating our feelings. We were also reflecting on why this topic was upsetting us. What we really were upset about, how to explain that better, what the other person was saying, and more.
The Sailor came back into the room and asked if we could talk. I said, “No. I’m not ready yet, but I will find you when I am, I’m still writing in my journal.” and he respected that.
Then when I was ready, I found him and we both spoke calmly about the challenge and we found a resolution.
And if you had seen us an hour later, we were back to normal, laughing, playing, and being us. You probably would never guess that we had just had the biggest argument.
And that has shaped how we fight fairly.
What happened at the Pancake Train Parking Lot
When we were in the parking lot outside the pancake train, things got heated. It started with a one-off remark made by the Sailor when he was feeling overwhelmed by the parking situation. His remark triggered me. Once we were parked, I immediately got out of the car and stormed off to the entrance, it was a big parking lot area so as I was storming off, I was getting more and more mad. When the Sailor finally caught up and approached me, we both wanted to end the argument because we had a reservation to get to but we weren’t in the right headspace yet. So then, I said something hurtful and the Sailor stormed off back to the car. Proclaiming that “he wasn’t in the mood to eat at the restaurant anymore.”
Fair enough. We would be very sour people if we went to eat then.
I followed the Sailor back to the car and looked at the time, I thought, if we can clear up this matter in the next ten minutes we can be late for our reservation but they would still probably seat us. So in the car, I pushed on. I explained my perspective in hopes he would understand and all would be good again.
He did not. He pushed on and tried to make me understand his perspective and so the fight continued. Finally, when we were half an hour late for our reservation and still sitting in the car arguing, we gave up. We left the parking lot and drove in silence towards home.
In that silence, we calmed down, we processed each other’s words, we gave each other the space to think and understand.
We practiced Rule #5.
Rule #5: Pause during intense arguments and reset before proceeding.
The Sailor and I have found that when arguments get too emotionally tense, we need a timeout. That there’s usually a moment in the argument where someone crosses the line, where it’s no longer about the problem we’re facing and it’s more about winning the fight. And that line usually means hurting someone’s feelings. When we reach that line, we stop, we pause the argument and we each go to our respective corners.
It often starts with me pouting in my corner, why can’t he see what he did. That leads to more anger, how dare he do that to me…TO ME of all people! and then there’s a voice that says, yeah but… and his words start to trickle in. His perspective and a little of what’s going on behind the scenes in my head too. The full picture starts to show as I calm down as my heartbeat comes back to normal. And the adrenaline starts to wear off.
At the Pancake Train, the big fight started because The Sailor did something so rude that it triggered me. It would probably be considered rude by most people, that’s it, just rude and a shrug of the shoulder, maybe annoyance. But for me, it was more.
When you grow up in an abusive house, you have little mental landmines that people will accidentally set off with their actions or words or even just themselves. Sometimes these are legitimate red flags and those have served me well in my dating years. And sometimes, they are connections your brain makes and not all scenarios equal the conclusion you think it will. So it seems like an over reaction when you respond to the triggering event. Adrenaline pumps out fast when you’re triggered and you don’t think clearly, you’ve basically gone into fight, flight, or freeze mode. And there’s no thinking in that mode.
When we were in the parking lot, I initially went into flight mode when I stormed off. But then the Sailor caught up to me and so it transitioned into Fight mode. I still wasn’t thinking.
Because we were trying to salvage our night and push through the argument we only prolonged it and made it worse. Once we paused and had silence in the car, we reset, the adrenaline wore off, and for me, I came out of triggered response. I realized what happened on my end. I could explain my actions better and more calmly.
And the Sailor also calmed down and he was more receptive to hearing me too.
Taking time to reset in our arguments has been a big part of why we fight fair, why we move forward on our arguments and never hold grudges. Why we don’t cross the line so far that we can’t find our way back to each other.
Valentine’s Day ended with a Happy Meal after all.
Then on the drive home, we talked calmly and understood eachother but it was too late to salvage the Pancake Train reservation. Yet, we were hungry, we wanted to eat.
So I said, “Do you want to go to McDonald’s?”
and the Sailor said, “Yes!”
“Do you think we should order takeout or stay in?”
“I think we could eat in.”
“Yeah, it’ll be even more hilarious because we’re all dressed up for a fancy dinner.”
“😂”
“😂”
“And don’t worry, I know the parking situation at McDonalds!”
“😂”