Dear younger me…
A Reflection on Career Detours, Marriage, and Moving Abroad.
Description: A greyscale photo of a journal with a black pen lying across it. The journal has a line drawing of a typical Amsterdam scene, Dutch buildings, canal in front, and a bike against the canal rail.
Dear Michelle who just started college,
You have big aspirations, you finally figured out the answer to the question: “What do you want to do with your life?” Or at the very least with your career. You have decided to go to college and study Business and Marketing. You plan to get a diploma and then transfer for your Bachelor’s at a University that has an international communications program. Your goal, to work as a Diplomat or something. You know your future will likely take you to The Netherlands so you need a career that can handle moving out of Canada.
It doesn’t all work out to plan.
You lose your hearing in your last semester of the diploma program. You get a hearing aid because of a government program for unemployed people that pays for it. But to qualify, you have to promise to start working as part of the program. Honestly, it was just luck that you were unemployed to begin with.
Disability sidetracks you. It changes the plan.
But guess what young Michelle?
Today, you work in communications and you work with international organizations (nonprofit much better than government, you’re seriously not political enough to be a diplomat). The path was different than you expected and yet it still led to the same destination.
Dear Michelle who just started her consulting business,
You’ve just moved to the Netherlands, begrudgingly! You had a great job in Canada and you loved the potential but you also love your husband and he needs to be home now. You’re not happy and you’re worried about what your career will look like now.
Thankfully that great company has agreed to a 3 month remote work experiment and of course you rock it. You’ve been managing Canada - Netherlands relationships for years now. You’re super familiar with video calls, timezone issues, and email / whatsapp / slack communications. They’re the ones who need to be schooled.
To continue working for the Canadian agency you need to start a ZZP (Dutch for Freelance business), it feels like a formality at this point. You don’t see the future you want in consulting. You’re still trying to hold onto the future you saw in Canada. You’re going to hold on a little too long.
Somewhere in this process of paperwork and accountants, you learn that if you can achieve 3 clients in one year there’s more tax breaks. You think that’s cool but you’re never gonna get 3 clients.
Guess what new consultant Michelle?
You know and I know, we don’t stay still for long. The idea of 3 clients plants a seed and with time, you start to make that a goal. The pandemic opens up more remote opportunities and you do it. You land three clients in one year. Then the next year you do it again. Three clients becomes your base and soon you have more than that.
But what will really amaze you, is not your super business development skills because you’re actually pretty passive on the sales. Your clients come from making friends, from people you genuinely like and made an effort to stay connected with. And there’s always a project that lands on your desk when you need it. I’m not sure what this sorcery is. New consultant Michelle, you might not have the fancy title you hoped for, but you do have the work you hoped for, you do have the projects that fuel you. So even though you’re always pushing yourself to reach some imaginary next level, some glass ceiling to smash. You need to slow down and remember that there was a time when today’s success felt unimaginable.
Dear Michelle who wants to run away,
You want to escape.
Escape and starting fresh have always worked in the past.
You’ve tried to bend yourself to this life, to this future that will make your husband happy.
But lets face it, you’re miserable.
You don’t realize it yet. Your anger is facing outward. Your usually positive outlook has become negative.
You scream at the sea when things get too much. The waves collect your anger, hurt, and frustration.
You tell yourself it’s depression. And it is. But therapy can’t always cure depression. Sometimes, depression is fully cured when you change your life, when you remove the triggers, the things that make you unhappy.
The wolf in sheep’s clothing, the voice that likes to skew the truth, tells you the problem is your husband. Your husband will not go with you when you escape the triggers. Your therapist says, your husband will, he loves you so much, and she was his therapist once so she probably knows.
You know that wolf is wrong, you hope he is. Your husband is your favourite person in the world.
The wolf tell you that leaving him will give him a brighter future, one with a wife that wants the white picket fence island life. A real Terschellinger Wife.
But…your husband is your favourite human.
You finally snap, you don’t mean to be dramatic and create ultimatums. But things need to change. You know it and the Sailor knows it (even if he isn’t ready to face it yet).
Guess what escapee Michelle?
You say the words, you spill the truth, you escape your constraints.
You have a wild year figuring shit out.
And your husband is there with you.
In the mess of your making, in the mess of his making, in the mess of marriage and till death do us part.
You make a new plan for the future. One with a house on the mainland.
You did it, you found yourself again. The bitter voice is gone, your outlook is positive, you’re laughing and making plans, and you’re no longer screaming at the sea. When the tunnel feels darkest and you’re not sure there’s going to be a happy ending, remember that sometimes smashing everything doesn’t need to be a one person journey. That your favourite human will be there hesitantly breaking the mold with you. Today, the next chapter is bright and full of light.